An Honest Confession
I have been longing to “free-write” a blog post for a while, but have never pulled the trigger on it. Why? I guess I’ve believed that my posts need to be well-thought out and perfected before I release them to an anonymous reader, such as yourself. If you don’t know me well, I have this intense desire to be deeply authentic in everything I do – yet I don’t want to be perceived as flawed or “unaesthetic.” How does this go together? It doesn’t. It can’t. It’s draining to be pulled in two different directions that will never collide. So, I am making a practice of letting go of the ideal I can never attain, starting with this post.
Today has been one of those days in which it wasn’t “bad,” it just wasn’t particularly the best. Outwardly, I enjoyed a day off from work and a lot of time shopping and talking with my mother, but inwardly, I fought a myriad of mental battles…welcome to my life. I spend plentiful time in my head – much of that time scoping out something wrong, missing, or lacking in my life. On one hand, I am convicted of this, knowing that the Word encourages us to think about whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely… (Philippians 4:8) also, “They will have no fear of bad news…” (Psalm 112:7). On the other hand, I feel unsafe being out of control. I measure a lot of circumstances in my life by my own perceptions and understanding, weighing options of how I can bring them into (what I see as) a neat, tidy picture of “how my life should look.” Or, “how I should act,” as if just my actions alone determine how well things will go for me.
Hopefully, this makes at least some sense. My point is, I’m realizing (once again) just how often I want things to make sense to me. I worry about what I don’t understand, and fret over what I cannot foresee. I actually just experienced a conflict tonight that led me to immediately immerse myself in a war of ideas regarding how I can get this situation resolved, or “fixed” so that I will ultimately feel okay/safe/secure. What I fail to recognize, and what I believe is a common human struggle, is that not everything is fixable by our own minds and/or human hands. Instead of seeking the wisdom of God first, it just seems easier to come up with immediate, practical ideas all on my own, because at least I can access my own thoughts quickly. The dilemma we run into with this is the arrogance of believing that our ideas are the best possible solutions to our problems.
In the midst of processing, venting, and walking outside with my mother, she started praying over me and my situation. At one point, I saw a robin fly down and land on the grass some yards away from us. For whatever reason, looking at the robin sitting there and watching me made me teary-eyed. My mother reminded me of Matthew 10:29 which reads, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.” Shortly after she said this, I felt this “statement” come into the mind that had the essence of a whisper: “I will take care of you.” I felt peace wash over my mind and spirit, and a small smile spread across my face. I was waiting for the Lord to get me back up on my feet and out of my head. In other words, I sensed Him saying, “I AM your Way.”
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6). Such a commonly quoted Scripture, yet such a strong foundation for our faith in the Lord. The answers, comfort, direction, understanding we seek…we can’t find in our minds. Sometimes I don’t find a tangible answer at all; I give up trying to find it (after MUCH strife). I just seek the way to peace, which always seems to go back to trusting that I have a Father in heaven who cares much more for me than the sparrows, whom He watches after unto death. I can’t control much – we never can. We control where we direct our thoughts and whom we ask for guidance. I am learning to remember and trust that God will move me and my circumstances when He knows it is best for me – otherwise, He will somehow grant me His strength to endure, even when it’s uncomfortable. He’s done it before, He will do it again.
On this earth, there are battles to be fought, yet a victory we can already count on through Christ who sees us through. There are strongholds of darkness and principalities to be torn down, and souls to be beckoned to Life. There is a bigger picture. There is a “happily ever after” for our eternity, starting now.
Keep pressing on.
In Him,
Gracie
